


You Couldn't Handle It

by Write_To_You



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Cannon Divergent, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Second Kiss, See A.N For AU Details, Self-Doubt, Set in Season 3, With A Little AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:40:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26046670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Write_To_You/pseuds/Write_To_You
Summary: “It was only now, after seeing her with her family, happy and together at Granny’s, that Killian realized she was right. He couldn’t handle it.” (AUy-ish cannon divergent for 3x17, more info inside)
Relationships: Captain Hook | Killian Jones/Emma Swan
Comments: 8
Kudos: 79





	You Couldn't Handle It

**Author's Note:**

> What the AU changes:
> 
> \- Zelena doesn’t curse Hook’s lips (wow that’s really not something you get to write every day)
> 
> \- Ariel was real, and after her furious conversation with Killian she just... jumps into the ocean to find Eric, I guess. Either way, she’s not there and she still hurt his feelings lol.

Trading his ship for Eric’s life was one of the most heartless, cruel, unfeeling mistakes that Killian Jones had ever made. It was one of those decisions that he’d probably regret for the rest of his life, one that made him deserve every harsh word that Ariel had thrown at him, both in the missing year and in Storybrooke. She was right: he _was_ cold. He _was_ heartless. He was nothing more than an empty pirate, and he’d never be anything more. 

The knowledge was enough to drag Killian’s usually lighthearted attitude into a bitter, injured wreck. It was also enough to refuse Emma’s offer to come with her and her family to Granny’s. Before that night, he probably would have taken any excuse to spend time with her, to find himself scrunched into a booth with her wacky, beautiful family and to get to pretend for just a moment that he was apart of it.

But not tonight. Tonight, he slunk into the shadows while the rest of them enjoyed each other’s company. He found himself in an ally, tucked out of the way, and was putting his spyglass to his eye before he could stop himself. 

Emma popped into view, clear in the lens of his remarkable spyglass. She was laughing, a little flushed, her arm around Henry and her gaze on David as he theatrically recounted some tale, probably from his time in the Enchanted Forest. Killian felt his heart still in his chest as he watched her, and he couldn’t help but remember what she’d said to him, teasingly, right before they’d kissed in Neverland. 

It was only now, after seeing her with her family, happy and together at Granny’s, that Killian realized she was right. He couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t handle the taste of what being with her would be like and then not having her. He couldn’t handle seeing her with people that she loved and not being able to be one of them. He couldn’t handle _any_ of this.

Killian turned and set off towards the docks, tearing himself away from the scene at the diner. It was times like these more than any other that he wished the _Jolly Rodger_ was still around. He could never truly escape from anything -his pain, his worry, his self-loathing- unless he was aboard the familiar wood of his ship’s deck, feeling the ground beneath him sway in comforting surges, following the water. 

Tides were easy. They were predictable. Chartable. People... _emotions_... they were not.

Once Killian reached the docks, he found one of the many abandoned benches and took a seat. He could feel himself beginning to droop with exhaustion, his day of lying to everyone and dealing with Ariel and his guilt starting to catch up to him. He would trade almost _anything_ to be able to go back and fix his mistakes, but that was impossible. In truth... mistakes were a lot like tides: unchangeable. 

“Hook?”

Killian felt himself freeze up, fingers tensing around the back of the bench where he’d flung his arm when he’d sat down. Almost everyone in the world called him Hook, but generally the emotion behind the name was either hatred or adoration or fear. 

Not her, though. Emma said his name with something akin to concern. She said it _gently_. 

Killian wasn’t sure if he could handle that, either. 

“Bit late for a walk, wouldn’t you say, Swan?” he asked lightly, not turning around. 

“It’s 8:30,” Emma replied, snorting a little. “I wouldn’t exactly call an hour before _Henry’s_ bedtime ‘late’.”

Against his will, his lips quirked up slightly. “Fair point, love.”

Emma took a seat next to him, the back of her jacket pressing into the hand that still rested on top of the bench. She raised her eyebrows. “So... are you going to tell me what’s up with you or am I going to have to squeeze it out of you?”

About two-hundred and six innuendos popped into Killian’s brain but none of them actually left his mouth. He just kept staring out at the ocean, watching the moon glimmer on the surface of the black water. To some people, the ocean could be just about the scariest thing in the world at night, but to him, it was home.

“Squeezing it is,” Emma went on, a little more awkwardly. She glanced at him and then shifted a little further away, reaching up behind her to pick up his hand from the bench. Killian swallowed harshly and tried not to tense up as Emma slowly slipped her fingers through his.

“Of all the parts of me you decide to squeeze to get answers, I find the hand to be an interesting choice,” he said finally. He cringed a little at the uncharacteristic raspiness in voice and the way his words had come out, but Emma didn’t comment.

“I suppose it wouldn’t have been your first choice, either,” she teased, trying to fall back into their usual banter. 

Killian finally looked away from the ocean and gazed at her a moment, taking in the moonlight gleaming against her blond hair. She was flawless, he really believed that. Perfection deserved perfection, and a man who had traded someone’s life for a ship could never measure up.

He pulled his hand away from hers and got to his feet. “Well, I best be turning in. See you around, Swan.”

“Hook...” Emma murmured, sounding a little irritated as he turned and began to walk back towards the center of town and his room at Granny’s. He could hear her getting to her feet and starting after him, and he began to walk a little faster. “Hook. _Killian_!”

Killian froze for the second time that evening. It had been so long since someone had said his real first name that he sometimes forgot that Killian Jones was _him_. Or, at least, the man he used to be. 

“C’mon,” Emma said with a sigh, taking advantage of the fact that he’d stopped moving to come up alongside him. “There is _clearly_ something bothering you, and I- I want to help, Hook. Killian.”

Killian clenched his jaw. “My... _burdens_ are just that, Swan. Mine. There are certain things that you have to deal with on your own. This is one of them.”

Emma let out a humorless laugh. “See,” she said, “I would believe you, except for the fact that I’ve used that excuse more times than I could count, and I’ve _always_ been proven wrong. Dealing with things by yourself is never the answer, especially- especially when there are people around that care about you.”

“So you care about me, do you?” Killian snapped, glaring at her. He wasn’t sure why her saying that made him so... angry, but it did. “After all of this... after _everything_ I’ve done... you can stand there and honestly say that you _care_ about me?”

Emma raised her eyebrow. “After everything you’ve done? After risking everything to come and get me my memories back in New York, after helping us try and stop Zelena, heck- after helping us fight Pan and save my son _and_ Neal _and_ David? Yeah, I think I can say that I care about you.”

“I traded my ship for a man’s life!” Killian roared, unable to keep the truth in any longer. “I killed and I plundered and I used _everyone_ around me for _years_!”

“And you’ve _changed_ ,” Emma said. She let out a breath and reached for his hand again, taking hold of his hook, too. “The man that killed and plundered and pirated and hurt wouldn’t have batted an _eyelash_ at the fact that Henry and I were stuck in New York without our memories. He would have taken the first opportunity to get out of risking his neck for the greater good. _You_ didn’t. Look around you, Killian. Everyone here is changing for the better. I mean, if _Rumplestiltskin_ and _Regina_ can turn over a new leaves... don’t you think that you can, too?”

“It wouldn’t be enough,” Killian murmured. He tried to pull away from her again but Emma just tightened her grip, keeping him in place. “I would never be enough.”

“Enough for what?” Emma pushed gently. “Enough for me? Because I think that I am the _only_ one allowed to decide that.”

Killian shook his head. “You don’t know me, Swan,” he told her. “You don’t know what I’ve done.”

“You’re wrong,” Emma replied. She shrugged, let his hands go. “I don’t know who you _were_. But I _do_ know who you _are_. I know that you’re a man who gave up the chance for his own happiness to save his friend. I know you’ve pushed past countless mistakes and fought harder than almost anyone to be _better_. I know that, whether you like it or not, you’re a hero. You can’t change my mind on that, so... get used to it.”

Killian’s chin dipped and he let out a hoarse laugh. “You deserve a _great_ deal more than me, Swan,” he said gruffly. “Someday you’ll realize that.”

“No.” Emma stepped forward and carefully slid her hands around his leather-clad waist, resting her cheek on his chest. “But someday you will realize that you deserve every bit of love and happiness that comes your way.”

Killian shut his eyes and leaned into her, letting his face press into her silky blond hair. After chasing Emma across multiple lands for over a year, he couldn’t help but feel like this was some sort of elaborate fantasy made up by his subconscious.

But Emma felt so _real_ , solid and warm pressed up against him, smelling like the cinnamon she always asked for in her hot cocoa. Even his dreams weren’t this convincing.

Killian felt Emma’s arms start to ease from around his waist and he forced himself to let her go and step back.

“One last thing, Killian,” Emma said. “Don’t prove me wrong.”

Killian grinned. “I promise,” he told her genuinely, before smirking a little. “And there are, you know, a few ways to seal a promise.”

Emma laughed. “Always looking to steal a kiss, aren’t you, Hook?”

“I’m a pirate, love, not a thief,” Killian reminded her with a ever-widening smirk. “I don’t steal anything... it gets given to me.”

“Point taken,” Emma murmured, winding her arms around Killian’s neck and puling him down for a kiss.

They had kissed before, of course, back in the woods in Neverland. But Killian’s heart still started to pound irregularly as he pressed his hook into the small of her back to pull her closer to him. 

It was truer now more than ever... he really couldn’t handle Emma Swan.


End file.
